She would have been 1
I break my silence today to share my baby’s birthday. Today she would have been 1. I would have celebrated her 1st birthday. I would have had a year’s worth of loving memories bursting in my heart. I would have been wiping cake and frosting from inquisitive fingers and heard the happiest of squeals. I would have…but that was not God’s plan.
Truthfully, I don’t KNOW that she is really a SHE. I believe with every ounce of my being that I was pregnant with a girl. I was only a short time pregnant but we were in love. We were excited! We were ready for another girl. We shared the news with the kids. Abraham understood. The others…not so much but they were young.
When we miscarried…I was devastated. My body betrayed me. I let my husband down. I let my children down. I felt so incredibly guilty. We never experienced a miscarriage before. I didn’t know what to think or feel. I was in the middle of dealing with this loss when my family was hit with the worst stomach bug. Abraham went down first. Then each went one after the other. It was super hard to emotionally deal with what had happened while in the middle of trying to keep my family in one piece. It was so bad that Abraham almost had a trip to the hospital and Abilene DID end up in the hospital. This illness lasted about 6 weeks. Each of us were affected for about a week to 10 days and thankfully we didn’t overlap much but that meant this illness lasted from before Thanksgiving to Christmas. Ugh.
After all of us were better, Aaron and I were praying for God to help us decide whether or not we were to have any more children. We felt strongly that God was leading us to have another. So with God’s wonderful provision and grace, He provided us with sweet Abner.
As I write these words of loss and try and deal with these emotions, I am overwhelmed by a sense of guilt. And not guilt of losing the baby, but guilt that had we continued with that pregnancy we wouldn’t have our sweet Abner. I can’t possibly begin to imagine my life without that sweet boy. I am incredibly grateful that God gave us him. But I still mourn the loss of his sister.
Happy Birthday sweet Ariel. I love you and know we will be reunited on the other side of this life.
Love, Mommy